Boom

I just wrote and posted this on my phone. Nuff said.

Ictory

My family has unique bathroom terminology. Allow me to elaborate:

#1: ictory

#2:victory

#3: wictory

This post has nothing to do with that.... except it has everything to do with ictory.

Every morning I wake up in one of many unfortunate situations.... all stemming from the need to pee really bad.

I either:

wake up twenty minutes before my alarm goes off (goodbye last fulfilling minutes of snooze time)

wake up in time to hear a bird that is chirping that would not have woken me up but is now enough to keep me awake (note to self, watch Failure to Launch for inspiration and promptly buy BB gun)

wake up and remember the homework I was supposed to do (Maybe my teacher won't notice i just BS'd ten pages of crap in size 20 font with triple spacing and 6 in. margins)

wake up shivering beneath my blankets regretting having slept with my fan on and desperately hoping that today is the day I inherit Matilda's powers and can flip the switch off with my mind

And of course, the very thing that woke me up..... having to pee.

Every morning I wake up and dread getting out of bed to pee.

I tell myself: NO MORE WATER BEFORE BEDTIME! (like I'm 5)

And every night before I go to bed I think: I'm SO thirsty... surely my body has overcome this unnecessary need to relieve itself after consuming large quantities of liquid. Tomorrow will be different and my body will just absorb all of the water I drink.... yes that's it.... fill the WHOLE Dicky's cup..... drink it all Kayla.....

Sister 1

I was writing a paper in the library yesterday (for like four hours... and I didn't even finish) when my sister Kelsey signed on to G-chat. Made my night. The following is a verbatim transcript of part of the convo. Enjoy.

kelsey813: totes

what page are you on?

kcarpenter0508: Well, I'm kind of fillin in my outline. I have about four pages of actual paper and about 5 pages of outline

kelsey813: oh

yucky shmucky

kcarpenter0508: yeah. I'm not sure I'm going to finish it tonight

kelsey813: when's it dizzle?

kcarpenter0508: it's dizzle after thanksgizzle but we are supposed to have peer edizzles in clizzle tomizzle

kelsey813: hilaryizzle

kcarpenter0508: I am smizzling and looking like an idizzle in the libizzle right nizzle

kelsey813: I'm in my apartmizzle eating my pastizzle, drinking my wizzle and watching televizzle

and laughing out loud

kcarpenter0508: trying not to laughizzle out lizzle in the libizzle.... I'm on the quiet flizzle. No nizzle aloudizzle

kelsey813: I'll laugh extra lizzle for you my nizzle

kcarpenter0508: thanks sizzle

MLIA

I lost my phone.... two times. This time I think it's permanent.

Well.... merry early Christmas to me... time for a new phone.

Is it just me or are my blog posts getting progressively less thought out and more boring?

The end.

I'm only gonna say this once...

and that is,

I love

You may now commence the mocking.

Now shut up.

In four days I am going to the midnight showing of HP7 (part 1) and it will be amazing... and there will be people dressed in robes..... and we will talk about how different the movies are from the books....and we will, on more than one occasion, thank J.K. Rowling.....and our minds will be blown that one person thought up this entire story and took 10 years to write it.....and when the WB sign comes on the screen and Hedwig's Theme starts playing there will be squeals of excitement followed by loud shushing and awestruck silence.

And then... in July, for part 2, we will do it again... and though Harry will live forever in our hearts, his story will finally be complete.

(imagine me saying this standing behind a podium in front of a large crowd with inspirational music playing softly in the background)

Now you may re-commence the mocking.

Stuff Horror Movie Writers Like

Seeing has how Halloween is coming, this seems appropriate. I, unlike most people, LOVE scary movies, haunted houses, fright night at six flags, etc. Naturally this means that my television is currently fixed on either AMC's Fear Fest or ABC Family's 13 Nights of Halloween. SO... I've noticed a few similarities in these movies and will list them below in a section I like to call:

"How to Survive a Horror Movie"

1. When it's raining, and the power goes out, DON'T send one person to flip the breaker and not notice that he never came back.

2. When you've called for your friend ten times, who was in the other room 5 seconds ago, and he doesn't answer, he's dead and the killer is right behind you. GET OUT.

3. Abstinence is the KEY to survival. Do NOT choose Halloween night, or any night you attend a rockin party with ten other couples, during the perfect storm, to go all the way with your boyfriend. Sex=death

4. When you are running from the killer, do so carefully. Even though he is walking slowly, you WILL trip and he will catch up to you.

5. When the bad guy is on the ground, with his machete next to him, pick it up and finish him off.... just in case. I suggest doing it Dexter style (cut up the pieces, put them in trash bags and dump them in the ocean)

6. If you see cop cars but there are no cops in sight, assume they've been killed rather than being relieved that they showed up.

7. Take seriously all unnaturally tall men wearing jumpsuits and masks. They are probably mentally unstable.

8. Just don't even attend a summer camp.

9. If any electronics randomly come on, don't assume it's because of an electrical issue... assume that somebody is trying to mess with your brain before they put a knife through it.

10. Finally, don't go upstairs. What is your exit strategy at that point? He will push you out the window and you will land flat on your back in the front yard and he will be gone from the window when you look up (meaning he's coming down for you). Run out of the house, to the street, and then to a neighbor that is far enough away that the killer could not have already killed them. And remember.... run carefully.

miPhone 3G

3G- gross, geriatric, and ghetto.

I get a new phone soon but, to prove how ghetto mine is (pictured above), I offer this fun fact.

I can go at least two days without losing a single battery bar, and probably a whole week (not tested yet) without it dying. This is because my phone does nothing but call and text, and due to my lack of friends/loving family, it barely even does does that.

And before you ask, no it doesn't have snake and the screen is not that grey/green color.

Also.... I have to prop it up on its side in order for the charger to connect so.... yeah.

Stuff Blog Readers Like

I am not always proud to call myself a blog reader (and only recently follower....Tara....) because that would mean admitting to wasting hours on the computer reading about other people's lives. But I figure if I am going to admit it, I might as well go big or go home so......

Stuff blog readers like:

1. Pictures.

Don't bother blogging if you're going to include one picture that is the size of my pinky fingernail and then six "click to read more" links because it doesn't all fit on one page. Also.... stop using font that only Thumbelina or the Borrowers could read.... RUDE.

2. Links to other fun websites.

Maybe this is just me but when a blogger links me to another site I love it. Unless of course it's one of those sites where you're watching a car drive along and all of a sudden "BAM" zombie girlin your face. I hate that. I actually don't think I've been linked to that before.

3. Silence.

That's right bloggers, I DO NOT appreciate sitting peacefully in my room, or even more appropriately in the library and forgetting that the blog I am visiting has a playlist. I'm just surfin the web, minding my own business and then.... everybody else in the library is minding my business as some loud 94.9 inspired Christian song starts blaring, and by blaring I mean playing as loud as a laptop will allow for all of my fellow studiers to hear. Not only is it embarrassing but it usually scares me so bad that I let out a very audible "Oh my gosh!" My fingers can't find the mute button fast enough.

4. Puns.

Please, use puns, they are awesome... if you need inspiration (or a really awesome way to kill time), read CakeWrecks.blogspot.com... and be prepared for the best puns of your life.

5. Recipes with pictures.

This kind of goes back to the pictures thing but.... why would I ever make a recipe without seeing a picture first. Also, I think someday we will have the technology to smell through the computer and television. I call it smelevision... it will be awesome (except for foodnetwork that already made you hungry will make you even more hungry [maybe this could go hand in hand with wonkavision so they could teleport the food to you]).

So there you go, these are a few things that blog readers like. Go and do likewise.

Now, I didn't want to violate my own "no picture" rule so I just googled some random pic for your enjoyment!

Grassdiver

Sooooo...... I was riding my bike yesterday, getting some good ol' fashion exercise. At Baylor we have this trail that runs around campus that is about 2.5 miles, so I typically ride that a few times. (Did you catch that subtle "yeah I exercise and I even gave the distance so you know I really mean it"?)

I don't know if you knew this, but it is technically illegal for people to ride their bikes on the sidewalks. I, being the law abiding citizen that I am, was riding along on one of the main roads near campus, when a car came up behind me. I HATE getting on people's nerves (call me annoying and I am down for the count) and sometimes there isn't enough room for the car to steer around. I found myself in that situation and rather than be prideful (believe me, I was soon far from that), I decided to hop the curb and get out of the driver's way.

Let me preface this next part by saying that generally, I am a world class curb hopper. Seriously, I have taught countless others how to hop a good curb. Lance Armstrong's couldn't curb hop like me. Get it? I'm reallllly good at it.

The problem with this curb was that I was taking it at a bit of an angle. This, combined with my weak arms (I just did P90X biceps the day before.... yeah I exercise) led to a series of unfortunate events. My front tire didn't quite make it up, but rather, landed on the edge and slid down the side of the curb. My bike simply laid down and I with it. Except no, I didn't just fall down, I was thrown from the bike, over the sidewalk and into the grass on the other side. My body was completely sprawled so that I looked like I was skydiving in the grass.

How embarrassing right? Wrong... nobody saw me.

What?

Yeah, that's right, on a college campus, there was NOBODY in sight. So the only person that may have seen me was the car about 100 yards behind me that was driving in my direction.

I hopped up, wiped the grass off my knees, and pedaled away with a deep fury. I prayed that the driver wouldn't role down his/her window, and headed in the direction of my apartment.

Lesson of the day.... obey the law and nobody gets hurt.

I'm also considering a bicycle helmet.

Death

Weird life:

I started P90X with my boyfriend.

It's terrible. You have to exercise for an hour or more a day depending on the work out you do. It's stuff like Yoga, Chest&Back, Ab Ripper X, Plyometrics, Core Synergistics, etc.

Now my roommates think I'm that weird fitness girl. We all have separate food cabinets that include things like, cheeze its, mac n cheese, cookies, good food, etc., and mine consists of: whole wheat multi grain sandwich thins, bananas, apples, protein bars, protein powder, and apple juice (too big to fit in the fridge) So yeah, I'm THAT person now.

On top of that, I really like the protein shakes... they taste like frozen hot chocolate. So when you get to the point where drinking a protein shake is your favorite part of the day, just lie down and wait for death to take you.

UPDATE!

I thought I would post an actual picture of my wisdom teeth x-ray for those of you who were really interested. Also, I changed doctors and the new one isn't charging to take out the fifth tooth (which the old Doc. was charging $200 for)

So.......

You can see the fifth little guy up on the top right of the x-ray.... adorable no?

In just two weeks they all come out so get a good look now

Also, on a side note, Gene Simmons is disgusting but his reality show is hilarious.

Open your mouth, close your eyes, here comes a big surprise

Weird family:

I grew up in a household of game players (board, car, made up), which I am sure will lead to many other blog posts in the future.

One game my eldest sister made up was called "Open your mouth, close your eyes, here comes a big surprise". I'm sure you can pretty much surmise what the game entailed, but for those of you who are slow on the uptake, allow me to explain.....

One person sits in a designated chair when it is their turn. The other players, however many there may be, take turns choosing foods out of the kitchen. Upon picking their poison, they look to the person in the chair and tell them, say it with me, "open your mouth, close your eyes, here comes a big surprise."

Needless to say, being in the chair requires a lot of trust in the other players, and is a very vulnerable position. I am, to this day, a picky eater and I blame it on this very game.

I played the other day with my boyfriend, allowing him to take the punishment first. I, having been traumatized in the past, was friendly. I offered him grapes, cookie dough, and a pecan. Then, thinking I had earned his loyalty, I took my turn in the chair. I was fed bitter, unsweetened cocoa powder, a mouth full of honey, and a croûton. I will likely not play this game for a very long time, or ever again.

What's that? You were wondering about my traumatic experience? Well, allow me to explain. (Que scaling harp)

One day, as a young, and innocent might I add, child, I agreed to play this heinous game. After my older sister and I gave our eldest sister a piece of chocolate, and after I watched her spray cooking spray into our middle sister's mouth, I began fearing for my turn.

Well, I took my place in the chair, opened my mouth, closed my eyes and accepted my surprise. It was a chicken heart.

WHAT!? A chicken heart you say?

Yes a chicken heart. I was fed a chicken heart. Chew on that (no pun intended).

In case you are wondering what a chicken heart even looks like, I will show you.

Okay, not really, but that's what it felt like in my mouth. In all seriousness, here it is:

That's all for now. I was wounded, I healed, and yesterday, after a mouth full of honey and croûtons, my scars were ripped wide open.

The Boogeyman's my father

Weird Family:

My dad decided to instill fear in me at a young age. It started shortly after I reached the age where I put myself to bed. I would turn off the lights, get into bed and right before slipping into unconsciousness I would hear a slow creaking noise as my closet door opened.

Yup.... that's right, let that sink in. My dad would hide in the closet, wait for me to get in bed, creep out, then jump at me. Naturally, the scars formed quickly.

Well, I got wise and figured I would check the closets before going to bed. As if that would deter him.

Then finally, he crossed the line and funny dad became psychotic freak.

After checking the closet, and tucking myself in, a hand reached out from under my bed and grabbed my arm.

Yes, he was under my bed. Who does that? I'll tell you who, villains from scary movies, monsters, dead people*, and the boogeyman.

So, needless to say, I still run and jump into bed, and I'm probably the most easily started person in the world.

*Remember the dead girl in The Sixth Sense that grabs Haley Joel Osment's ankle? If not, here she is.....

Wisdom teeth

A perfect first example of how my life is weird. I went to the dentist today and guess what? I have five wisdom teeth. Say what? Yeah I know! Go ahead, close that mouth and pick yourself up off of the floor. Five wisdom teeth.

Maybe you're lost so I will fill you in. See those freaky teeth on the edges that are fighting their way in? Well... imagine this picture with another little guy contending for a spot in my mouth. Most people.... like 99%... have four wisdom teeth that for some reason have to come out. I'm all for having mine yanked because I will not let my 8 years of orthodontics including spacers, retainers, braces (two times), etc, lead to any bicuspid or incisor or molar shiftage. That's right these baby's are staying straight even if I have to take them out myself.

Let's see (insert rummaging through toolbox sound) Ahhhhh, there's the pliers...............just kidding.

So, after discussing my options and deciding on an oral surgeon, it was determined that this is the lucky summer I get my FIVE new friends taken out.

The going rate on ebay is about $5 for 4 teeth so I'm thinking I'll get at least seven for the rarity of mine right?

Do overs

I started a blog, hated it, was encouraged to try again, so here I am. This blog is about my weird family and my weird life. I've realized too many strange things happen around me to not write it down. If nothing else my grandchildren can read it when I'm old on their holographic space computers and remember how different my life is. Enjoy, or not.