What happens when you pit a deranged man and his slightly unhinged offspring against each other in war?

Answer: Zombie Lemon Apocalypse

A couple weeks ago my dad, headed towards the trashcan, held up a lemon and said, "Isn't this the saddest lemon you've ever seen?"

Naturally I took the lemon and a sharpie and drew a frowny face on it saying, "No, THIS is the saddest lemon you've ever seen."

Dad told me to throw it away but instead, being my normal annoying self, I hid it in his bedroom.

The next day, the lemon was in my room with a tear drawn on his face 

Not to be out played, I turned the tear into a scar.... because you'd be scarred too if someone was about to throw you in the trash, and put him back behind enemy lines.

Taking this as a sign that the lemon was suddenly a tough guy, dad added.... a mom tattoo, and hid him in my bathroom.

Well, I couldn't let this tough lemon keep such a cute/ sad face... so I gave him a mean streak. He waited in the cup holder of dad's car.

Hoping put an end to the battle, dad added x's for eyes and a twine noose and hung him from my bedroom doorknob.

Now here is where it gets good, because now I have real pictures.

After it was clear that I had seen the hanging, dad looked sternly into my eyes and said, "with death, it ends" which, in any other situation, could have been a very poignant and poetic expression. As it were, he was speaking about an old lemon with sharpie covering it's shriveled peel. 

Naturally my response was, "So you would think..."

Hence, Zombie Lemon Apocalypse..... phase one. I hid this gem in my dad's sock drawer...

And thusly discovered the zombie back from, not only the dead, but the sock drawer, perched atop my toothbrush holder.

with tiny garden shears lodged in his tiny lemon cranium. 

Well I've been laying low for a few days now, awaiting an opportune moment to strike. And what do zombies love to do? 

Eat brains. 

After price checking tiny pianos, safes, and anvils at Hobby Lobby, with the idea of crushing my zombie lemon, dad gave up and forfeited. Apparently paying $14 for a doll house piano was not worth it to him. His loss... literally... he lost. 

And this is one more example of why I am as messed up as I am... it's because my family enables the crazy. 

Let's stop pretending Kermit's arms don't move by way of tiny poles, shall we?

Unless you live under a rock, you probably knew that a Muppet movie recently came out (I just looked up the release date and it was apparently last November, so if you are living under a rock, I apologize for judging you). I didn't see it but heard good things. But there is something oddly unnerving to me about the Muppets.

Why won't anybody admit that they aren't real? 

Are they real? 

I'm fairly sure they aren't as they are mostly made of felt and have tiny poles attached to their arms for dexterous purposes. And yes, Jim Henson was a thing (who looked like the love child of the old man with the shovel from Home Alone and Jafar's beggar disguise) and if you wikipedia Kermit/ the Muppets, it does talk about who portrays them... but that's all on the computer my friends. 

When it gets down to real life, the Muppets, are real. 

They have to be. Why else would they appear on SNL and talk shows without anybody mentioning the person hiding under the chair in, what I can only imagine, is a very uncomfortable position?

Come on people.... they have a blooper reel.

This will continue to baffle me.... for forever (can you just say forever or do you have to say for forever? I can never figure this one out)

If I hadn't helped, she'd probably still think Arkansas is an acceptable place for humans to live.

----this is still not the post I was talking about posting, I just realized this was an unfinished draft, and if I'm going to not blog for months, I might as well return with a bang... not a whimper*----

How did I help you ask? (ugh sometimes I hate myself for writing stupid questions like that) I provided her with some excellent tips on how to get accepted into Baylor/ nail down an apprenticeship. Done and done.

Here are the tips I emailed Erin throughout the day as she interviewed at BU.  

Tip 1: Baylor LOVES money. At some point during your interview process, take out your wallet and accidentally drop a $100 bill on the ground. Make sure Baylor representatives are watching. You’ll know they saw it if their eyes turn into dollar signs.

Tip 2: At some point it would be helpful to mention your baptism (by immersion because honestly, do the others even count?) even if it doesn't seem to flow with the conversation at hand. Baylor's affiliation with the BGCT is not to be forgotten.

Tip 3: In normal speech, replace the word very with BEAR-y. Ex: I am BEAR-y excited to tour campus. –or- Thank you BEAR-y much for the opportunity to interview with you. Not only will this convey your love for Baylor but also you’re adorable child-like enthusiasm.

Tip 4: Incorporate Baylor specific lingo in conversation (will impress all parties) Ex: I can't wait to work out at the slick (McLane Student Life Center) -or- Maybe we should grab lunch at the SUB (Bill Daniel Student Union Building) -or- I just love the BSB (Baylor Science Building, not the Big Science Building, which is what Aaron and I were convinced it was called for almost our entire freshmen year) -or- Is there anything better than gazing at Joy and Lady? (Our two North American black bears, who are actually sisters!)

Tip 5: Order Dr. Pepper when eating meals, and carry a Dr. Pepper with you at all other times. This should be a can or bottle. Dr. Pepper from Sonic is not an acceptable substitute because the point is for Baylor to know that you are drinking a good ole fashioned DP.

Tip 6: DO NOT share colorful anecdotes about any sexual  experiences in college. Ouachita may be progressive, but leave it in Arkansas. Us Baylor girls keep our knees together, even after marriage.**

Tip 7: Never say never because Justin Bieber doesn't and his girlfriend is coming to Baylor (we can only hope)

Tip 8: If all else fails, and you don't know what to say, just talk about your extreme distaste for all things A&M. If there's one thing we Christians hate, it's anything that comes out of college station, whether it be an Aggie, collies, white towels, or simply the sound of a whoop. 

So thanks, dedicated readers, for BEARing with my tips. Now I've got two new friends in the Wack, who I can only imagine will be providing home cooked meals for yours truly... I mean it's the least they could do right?

*Yes, I know that's not how it goes.

**Tip 6 was edited due to possibly... slightly... maybe a bit of.... inappropriateness. I mean, I've got a wide audience folks... I don't want to offend anyone... I am a Baylor girl after all. ;)

I've got a really good post coming that is classic carpenter but for now...

enjoy your nightmares tonight

And that's why we're in love. 

Also... Does anybody have a cure for nightmares.... seriously cause I've been having them a lot (by a lot I mean I've probably had 5 or 6 in the last month) recently. I will either need therapy real soon... OR... I might harness this terribleness and become the next Stephen King. Eh?