Friday, June 29, 2012

What happens when you pit a deranged man and his slightly unhinged offspring against each other in war?

Answer: Zombie Lemon Apocalypse

A couple weeks ago my dad, headed towards the trashcan, held up a lemon and said, "Isn't this the saddest lemon you've ever seen?"

Naturally I took the lemon and a sharpie and drew a frowny face on it saying, "No, THIS is the saddest lemon you've ever seen."
Dad told me to throw it away but instead, being my normal annoying self, I hid it in his bedroom.
The next day, the lemon was in my room with a tear drawn on his face 
Not to be out played, I turned the tear into a scar.... because you'd be scarred too if someone was about to throw you in the trash, and put him back behind enemy lines.
Taking this as a sign that the lemon was suddenly a tough guy, dad added.... a mom tattoo, and hid him in my bathroom.
Well, I couldn't let this tough lemon keep such a cute/ sad face... so I gave him a mean streak. He waited in the cup holder of dad's car.
Hoping put an end to the battle, dad added x's for eyes and a twine noose and hung him from my bedroom doorknob.

Now here is where it gets good, because now I have real pictures.
After it was clear that I had seen the hanging, dad looked sternly into my eyes and said, "with death, it ends" which, in any other situation, could have been a very poignant and poetic expression. As it were, he was speaking about an old lemon with sharpie covering it's shriveled peel. 

Naturally my response was, "So you would think..."

Hence, Zombie Lemon Apocalypse..... phase one. I hid this gem in my dad's sock drawer...

And thusly discovered the zombie back from, not only the dead, but the sock drawer, perched atop my toothbrush holder.
with tiny garden shears lodged in his tiny lemon cranium. 
Well I've been laying low for a few days now, awaiting an opportune moment to strike. And what do zombies love to do? 

Eat brains. 

After price checking tiny pianos, safes, and anvils at Hobby Lobby, with the idea of crushing my zombie lemon, dad gave up and forfeited. Apparently paying $14 for a doll house piano was not worth it to him. His loss... literally... he lost. 

And this is one more example of why I am as messed up as I am... it's because my family enables the crazy. 

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