If ever my blog title was true, it was today.

Almost every time I update my blog I think back to little ol' freshman me and think, "Kayla you idiot, what a stupid blog title, Weird Family, Weird Life? How dumb." But then, days like today come along and I'm like, "oh yeah."

So this post will be kind of long because I am going to struggle to condense the insanity of what went down in the Carpenter house this afternoon.

A week ago, my parents and I were sitting at dinner and we began discussing where we should go on vacation this summer. We couldn't decide so we left it to the family. I sent out an email prompting each member, (Tyler and Aaron included) to create a presentation on a destination they wished to visit. In the end we would all vote and the winning presentation would be the future vacation destination

The only rule was that it could not be in the form of interpretive dance, sign language, any language besides English, Morse code, or charades.

Today the family convened to present their ideas and the following ensued:

Presentation 1: Kelsey-Tahoe
Kelsey: I didn't really prepare that much and when I saved my PowerPoint it didn't convert the transitions or cool fonts so it won't be very good

She then proceeded to present on Tahoe, a presentation so funny that we were crying from laughing so hard. It consisted of our faces photoshopped onto scantily clad ladies in Reno and high rollers "making it rain". It was amazing.

Presentation 2: Erin-Seattle
Erin decided to present hers on a science fair tri-fold poster board.

As you can see.... amazing. There were flaps you could lift, books you could open.... it was better than the science fair.

Presentation 3: Tyler- Boston
Tyler began his presentation by making an entrance from upstairs dressed like this, carrying a lantern.....

In case you can't tell, he's Paul Revere (yes we know Paul Revere was  brunette but cut him some slack... that cotton ball hat/wig is the bomb diggity), inviting the family to join him in Boston. His opening line: "You may be wondering, 'Have I stepped back in time?'" We were all laughing so hard that it was incredible he was able to stay in character.

Presentation 4: Kayla/ Aaron- San Juan Islands and Disney World
We did two presentations since there were two of us, but we presented them together.
The first was on the San Juan Islands.... So Aaron came in like this....

The family almost mistook him for a native islander. The Vans were a dead giveaway... and the fact that he didn't take the time to actually learn a song on the ukulele... lazy. Instead he plucked dissonant notes that set me on edge so I may have accidentally yelled at him during the presentation... putting everybody else on edge. Looking back, I shouldn't have rebuked a guy willing to look like this for me.

Then there was the Disney World/ Harry Potter world presentation... which we both knew wouldn't win, but we thought it was worth a shot.. So here's me Mickey Mouse.

I didn't have yellow shoes but conveniently enough I DID have my yellow rain boots at home with me. Half way through the presentation Tyler looked at me and said, "Are you supposed to be Mickey?"

RUDE.

Presentation 5: Mom and Dad- Yosemite 
My dad spent like 10 hours on Saturday making his presentation, which in the end was actually really good. It was a photo montage of Yosemite to the theme of Magnificent Seven. The pictures were beautiful, especially the ones inserted that flashed quickly and acted as subliminal messages, which I'm pretty sure were aimed at me to swing my vote. They were candy bars. Due to confidentiality, I cannot tell you whether or not my Dad's tactic worked.... but I'm beginning to think he raised me to be addicted to sweets just so that when this day came, he could use it against me. Sorry no pics of this presentation as there were no costumes involved.

And in case you were wondering, we combined the Seattle and San Juan Islands trips and they took the cake in the end. We laughed A LOT today.

And then Erin and Tyler demonstrated their ability to sound exactly like bag pipes. They "played" Scotland the Brave. I've mixed their version with the actual version to show you how good they really are. You probably won't be able to tell the difference.

They want to, in the future, use this ability to play at funerals so they discussed their need to learn Amazing Grace. Then an hour later, they sent this video to me while driving, in what I can only assume was, a funeral procession.

And this is why my blog title, however lame it may be, is so spot on that I can't possibly change it.

I could have been a millionaire but instead I'm stuck blogging for 15 people because my sister and/or Todd Neece swindled me

Once upon a time a few years ago my sister Erin, her husband Tyler, Aaron and I went to a breakfast and the following situation ensued:

Tyler comes close to finishing his pancakes. Everybody else finished their food an hour ago but Tyler eats at the pace of an 80 year old woman. He had just a few bites left and he laid his fork down in defeat. 


Me: 

Tyler's eyes widen. He begins to bob his head and picks up the fork. Suddenly it seems that the fullness has subsided and he attacks the pancakes with his new found hunger. The others at the table join in taking harmonizing parts. 


Me: This is a GREAT idea for a video.

Tyler and others: Yeah!

Then we never made a video but we thought about its grandness and shared such grandness with our friends and family, specifically a young boy by the name of Todd Neece, who agreed with the grandness.

FAST FORWARD FOUR YEARS (or so... I don't remember exactly... note to self, figure this out for when this is made into a movie based on a true story)

My thoughts : I'm just going to watch the Superbowl commercials, this will be great... and in between commercials I can watch the Puppy Bowl! Perfect... all while I do homework... oh frabjous day!

And THEN.... this commercial played 

My brain: WHAT?!....... wait........ WHAT?!........no.......wait.............. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

I immediately called Erin


Erin: Hello?

Me: Did you steal my intellectual property, sell it to Hyundai, and make millions of dollars?

Erin: I'm sorry.... what?

Me: DID YOU STEAL MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, SELL IT TO HYUNDAI, AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?!

Erin: I don't think so....

I then explained the situation to Erin and she agreed that it was strange in fact but that "neither she nor Tyler sold this idea to Hyundai".... as if I could believe that.

I then found my self in a conversation with Todd Neece and he said he remembered my video idea and thought of it immediately when he saw the commercial. Now some might think "oh, he brought it up in such a way that he couldn't possible be guilty."  Reverse psychology my friends. And all those tweets he's had recently about "filling out job applications"... a hoax. I imagine he spends his evenings diving into mounds of gold coins like Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

I hope this happens instead:

The end.

Because Forrest Gump is the longest movie in the history of the world (aside from Benjamin Button)

I'm going to update my blog.

It's that time! Now usually when I tell you that I'm going to do a picture dump I can practically hear the groaning. Lucky for you these pics are actually interesting. I'm not even going to explain them so just enjoy. So buckle up... unless you aren't in the car in which case buckling up is probably unnecessary.... unless you're so distraught by the subject of this post that you are going to receive electroshock therapy... in which case you should probably buckle up... unless you have issues with claustrophobia in which case you SHOULD NOT buckle up....unless you're getting ready to go two-stepping, in which case you should probably buckle up.

 That was painful enough. Now back to whatever you were doing... unless you were watching Tree of Life, in which case, I probably don't even have to tell you... just stop and eject it now.

What can I say

except I'm so sorry. The people wanted bruise shots and  I sadly, did not deliver. I'm a failure. I'm worthless. I'm.... lazy. So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all be waiting for. Prepare to be dazzled and doozled and amazed and bamboozled... here is my paint interpretation of why my balance beam bruise looks like today............ (those dots are the drum roll... and yes I'm aware that's not what percussion music looks like)................

yyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh

#bruisewatch2012

#brusiewatch2012

It's come to my attention that maybe actual pictures are too much for you squeamish folk. In place of photos I will post daily paint pictures instead! Get ready... it will be amazing. 

#bruisewatch2012 Day 2

I've decided to start #bruisewatch2012 for all of my devoted followers. This way you can stay up to date on the progress of my balance beam bruise (I love when alliteration just happens naturally). 

So here it is.... Day 2

You can see that the outer rim is becoming darker as the days pass. As a whole the bruise is rather spotted and elderly like.

Come back  tomorrow to witness history in the making. And remember to tag any tweets on the topic with #bruisewatch2012

The story of how I was likely scarred for life physically and unquestionably scarred for life mentally

It was a beautiful day. We spent the afternoon hiking the trails of Cameron Park and hammocking on the river side. The warmth of the sun rested upon us as the breeze brushed over our faces. The background noises were of children laughing cheerfully and dogs barking with joyful vigor. All seemed right in the world. 

Then the sun began to hide behind the darkening clouds and the breeze turned into a biting wind. We packed our things and took to the road. It was getting late and our stomachs growled in anguish. We returned to our homes to wash up and headed to dinner. The evening was pleasant but still something loomed darkly over us; it was a dreadful feeling of travesty soon to come. 

Okay but seriously, what I didn't know was that in about 5 hours, I was about to be in the worst physical pain I had ever experienced. It was ZZZ take-a-date and true to the weirdness of ZZZ we went to a gymnastics facility. People went in like normal civilized humans...

and immediately turned into this.....

They were jumping, climbing, wrestling, flipping, etc. There was a VERY large amount of people and they were everywhere, doing everything.

I however, with a mild and self diagnosed anxiety disorder, hung back and observed the mayhem. I decided to do a cartwheel... oh what a mistake. 

I was successful.... at first. So I took to the widened balance beam. Success. I moved to the narrow balance beam a mere foot from the ground. Success. Then higher. Success. Higher. Success. 

Then came the voice of the man I thought I loved. 

Aaron: You've done it already, now do the tallest one!

Me: I can't, I'm too nervous. If I fall from here I could break something!

Aaron: It's all in your head. Do it!

Me: Okay, one more time!

It was like that moment in the Olympics when the favorited gymnast falls and everybody gasps.... only it wasn't anything like that because I'm not an Olympic gymnast (something made very clear to me after this night) and instead of gasps, I heard laughter. I, mortified and in unspeakable pain, tried to laugh it off and hobbled to the restroom to find this.....

Sooooo yeeeeah. 

I look like the girl from "A League of Their Own"... anybody? 

And that is how I became scarred both physically and mentally. And how I learned that the best advise doesn't come from deranged monkey people in a gymnastics place.