Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Attention society, I've solved all of your problems.

You know when you have those nights when everything in the world is running through your mind and you can't fall asleep and you have amazing thoughts and then you fall asleep and when you wake up you think, "I should have written it down!" because you can't for the life of you remember? Well if you wake up in the middle of the night and remember your dreams, Freud says don't write them down. BUT, if you have an amazing world changing thought before you fall asleep, you should jot it down. And this is the thought I had on the cusp of sleeping a few nights ago.

I've determined how to solve crime. Forget dramatic trials, forget OJ pleading innocent while his isotoners are still warm, forget the blind woman who can't tell if the car is metallic mint green. No need. I've solved it all.

Has anybody played signature bingo? It's one of those awful ice breakers that EVERYBODY hates, but you have to play so you slowly walk around the room pretending like you're participating and hoping one of those weird hyper-competitive or socially uninhibited people finish quickly. The gist is you have a "bingo" card with random things on each square like, "I'm adopted" or "I've been to all 50 states" and you have to walk around and find people who can sign those honestly. Here's an example:

You get the idea?
Great, so I've figured out how to solve crimes. All people are naturally competitive (or at least that's what you believe if you grow up in a family even remotely like mine). So we play off that and we put a whole bunch of likely criminals in a room together and we hand them BINGO cards like this:

I was running out of crimes, hence "loiterer" and "insurance fraud"
So we explain the game to them and say the first one to get a "black out" wins. So naturally, because they all want to win, somebody will say, "can you sign anything on my card?" and another person will be like "yeah! I've totally got weed in my car right now" or, "Yeah, I'm Casey Anthony". And voilĂ . Crimes. Solved.

I'm a genius. (and by genius I mean I misspelled genius the first time I typed it out)

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