"I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you." – Dirty Dancing

Coincidentally, this is what Aaron and I say about popcorn every time we leave the movie theater.

This is a long post about Aaron and I's quest to make the perfect movie popcorn at home (including our trial recipes thus far). If you don't care about popcorn, stop reading. If you love popcorn, and you too want to learn to make movie theater popcorn at home, then read this post and follow us in the future as we continue our pursuit of perfection.

On the other hand, if you're completely grossed out that we are trying to replicate movie theater popcorn because it's approx. 6,000 calories per kernel, stop reading.

This is how we feel when we are eating movie theater popcorn:

And this is how we feel when our $6.00 bag is empty:

well... WE WILL MAKE MOVIE THEATER POPCORN AT HOME. 

For you amateurs out there, who are probably thinking, "Orville Redenbacher's butter lovers tastes JUST like the movies!" To you we turn up our noses and contend that microwave popcorn is not only an insult to movie theater popcorn, but it will also give you popcorn lung. So yeah, chew on that, or better yet, don't... because you might die... or win $7 million in a lawsuit.

Our objective requires a top-notch team with two foundational members. Let's meet them. 

Whirley Pop

Whirley Pop, measuring in at 6 qts, has been on the roster since day one. He's our starting quarter back so to speak. To put it in the words of my fellow non-sports watchers, he's like the Tim Gunn of popcorn. Without him, we couldn't "make it work". 

Popcorn

Popcorn, created by Peruvian Indians (according to Wikipedia), reacts to heat and pressure much like me; it holds everything in until it explodes. Unlike popcorn, Aaron's not allowed to eat me after I've exploded at him. In our humble opinions (as of yet), it's not the popcorn that makes the popcorn, so any brand will suffice.

Trial 1

Ingredients:

1/2 cup popcorn

2 Tbs. coconut oil

Clarified butter

Fine salt ground by the giant muscles of Mr. Aaron J. Mize

Method

Combine popcorn and oil in whirley pop over medium high heat. Heat till popcorn is cooked. Clarify butter and pour on top. Salt to taste.

Result

This popcorn tasted good. The clarified butter ensured that it didn't get soggy. Because popcorn salt is basically just really finely ground salt, it can coat the popcorn more, which is good in theory. But when you let Aaron salt the popcorn, who's taste buds are in a constant state akin to that of a pregnant woman's taste buds, it was WAY too salty for me.

Altogether, good, but still missing that movie theater taste.


Trial 2
Ingredients:
1/2 cup popcorn
4 Tbs. Kernel Seasons Movie Theater Butter oil (for popping and topping)
Clarified butter
Finely ground salt

Method
Combine popcorn and 2 Tbs. of Kernel Seasons. Pop. Top with 2 Tbs. of Kernel Seasons. Top with clarified butter. Salt to taste.

Result

We thought popping with a butter flavored oil would help but it did nothing. So we thought topping with the butter flavor oil would help, but it did nothing. So we once again did clarified butter and salt (a little less this time). Unfortunately, the butter wasn't clarified enough (my bad) so the popcorn got a bit soggy. The salt was way better this time. The oil did manage to give it a bit of a movie theater taste but it also gave a weird after taste which counteracted anything good it did. And all of that butter and butter flavored oil starts to make you feel like Paula Deen.

Altogether, better than the first batch if you ask me, worse if you ask Aaron.


Future plans
Our next plan is to use Flavacol to season the popcorn, which is impossible to find anywhere but online unless you live in a fancy place that sells it at a fancy store. We are hoping to be able to pop the corn in a Flavacol/ coconut oil mixture.

So now that you've read this whole blog, you are either amazed at our determination, or you think we are freaks for caring this much.

Suggestions? Any would be welcomed. But only if you are a serious movie theater popcorn lover like us. And I don't mean "movie theater style popcorn" lover. Those are totally different. The latter being posers of the former

2 angry men... like the movie only not about a jury and really only one man... cause I'm a woman.

There once were two happy people. They were married, they were in love, but then they had squirrels.
I know what you're thinking:

But no.
Picture this:

Only more evil.

I managed to find a copy of the squirrels' daily agenda. It was nearly illegible and written in squirrel so I've copied it for you here:

7:30am-10pm: frollick outside- chase each other around and be adorable

10pm: go inside but be very quiet and sneaky

11pm: wait for apartment dwellers to fall asleep

12am-5am: crawl silently in the ceiling until the spot directly above the apartment dwellers' has been found

5:30am-7am: scratch with the fury of ten thousand squirrels

7:15am: hear apartment dweller's alarm sound, stop scratching and return to outside for frollicking. 

Repeat tomorrow and every day until the end of time.

I also managed to find a copy of Aaron's internet search history:

Squirrel in ceiling
Squirrel scratching in ceiling
Squirrel scratching incessantly in ceiling
How to kill all the squirrels everywhere.