I've got a really good post coming that is classic carpenter but for now...

enjoy your nightmares tonight

And that's why we're in love. 

Also... Does anybody have a cure for nightmares.... seriously cause I've been having them a lot (by a lot I mean I've probably had 5 or 6 in the last month) recently. I will either need therapy real soon... OR... I might harness this terribleness and become the next Stephen King. Eh? 

For the lady who's candy I wasn't able to open...

In your honor, I've painted you the creepiest portrait ever. It's like when tattoo artists do portraits and they are gross and distorted and the teeth always turn out weird, only it's from my computer and not permanently inked on your body.

Seriously... what's with that gimpy hand? And surely your forearm doesn't bend at places other than the elbow... 

Either way it's a gift to say sorry I couldn't fix your problem. 

Confessions of a lonely would/should be spinster

Sometimes I look at Aaron and I think, "where would I be without him?"

Not in the, "we're desperately in love and I can't imagine a life apart from him and he completes me" kind of way (given), but more in the "I never took the time to make friends and now if he leaves me I'm screwed so I better just do what he says and keep him happy so he never realizes I'm barely hanging on socially" kind of way.

My roommate (and friend.... just the one) had a surprise for me the other night about which she was texting Aaron. I'm paranoid and hate surprises and lack the ability too express adequate emotion when presented with gifts, so naturally I was doing all but water boarding Aaron to get the needed information. I didn't know who, what or when, but I knew someone, something, sometime soon was goin down.

If you don't know Aaron then you don't know that he is the weakest weakling when it comes to keeping secrets. He wants soooo badly to tell me things (because he is so madly in love and head over heals for me) that it usually takes no more than a bat of the ole eyelashes. This night however, he was particularly strong. To throw me off the scent he showed me the recipient list of a group text between my family members that was from a few days prior and told me that's who he was texting.

I read the names "Kelsey, Erin, Tyler, Daddy, Mommy" and my immediate thought (and regrettably outwardly expressed) was "ALL MY FRIENDS!"

Then, having realized what I said, I crawled into a deep dark hole of oblivion and never came out.

You know those people who work dead-end jobs and they're convinced that they were born to be famous? And you think... come on.. it's not going to happen? Well I'm like the opposite of that. I'm in this relationship that keeps me happy and fed and sometimes all I can think is, "I know I'm perfectly content and have more than I could ever want... but I'm pretty sure I was born to be a lonely spinster."

I have so much trouble making new friends  it's a wonder I was able to land a boyfriend. It's like straight out of a movie. Picture a classroom of students:

Teacher: Can anyone name the 7 wonders of the world?
Student:  Stonehenge, the Colosseum, the Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa, the Great Wall of China, Hagia Sophia, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and the fact that Kayla has a boyfriend.

If I outgrow my cat allergy, I'll know it's time to realize my full unpotential (that's a word right?). 

Every time I come home, this strange phenomenon occurs

It happens when my parents go to sleep, it's getting late, and I realize, they've done it again.

In my home, downstairs alone, we have no fewer than 3 million lamps. On any given night approximately 2 million are on. Before retiring to bed, my parents turn off approximately zero of them. I don't realize it until it's one o clock in the morning and my eyes are burning from staring at a computer screen, and my limbs are too tired to even make it upstairs practically, and my fingers are all broken from typing endlessly, and the only thing I want to do is fall into my bed and pass out.

So I shut the lap top, stand up (in a quasi Quasimodo (see what I did there) fashion) and hobble towards the stairs with squinty eyes and limp fingers. Then I start to look around and that panicky movie music starts to play where there are quick shots to scary things and it's like BUM.... BUM.BUM.BUM. And all I see around me are the 2 million lamps still lit and my dreams of crawling upstairs like the undead are shattered.

Instead my retinas are seared by 2 million blinding light bulbs as I try to find the off switches. And then three hours later all the lamps are off and I finally get upstairs, only to look downstairs and realize I forgot one. And that MIA song come into my head and "ALL I WANNA DO IS (gun shots)". And I'm like "that song finally makes sense." And I'm either imagining shooting myself or Thomas Edison.

So if my parents wake up and find me dead in the morning, they will read this blog post and know that it was their fault.

After I write things like that I think "I hope I don't really die tonight because then I will have gone out while nonchalantly joking about killing Thomas Edison and that's in bad taste." Also my last words won't have been inspiring, but instead "Did you see the latest Star Trek movie?"

Come on Kayla. Say more important things.

Oh and here are the lamps

Also, when I finally got to bed, my dad had hid a very loudly ticking clock under my bed.
Does anybody else have trouble determining if their dad is joking with them or threatening them?

Sometimes I think about death

and when I do, I think about what my last moments will be like. 

Will I be pensive? Regretful? At peace? 

At this point I don't really care I just hope I don't have some urgent need to tell Aaron that "I never loved Eugene Levy." Because chances are I will die before I get it all out and all he will hear is "I never loved you...." The following is a list of phrases that I hope my 90 year old self doesn't see as extremely important to utter before dying:

"I never loved you.........kuleles" 

"I never loved you.........rology"

"I never loved you.........catan Peninsula"

"I never loved you.........NICEF"

"I always regretted our mar...........ijuana habit" (this is a stretch... obviously I won't regret our marijuana habit, I just don't want him to think I was going to say marriage)

"I hid the body..... builders gym membership card and said you lost it so I wouldn't feel guilty for not exercising."

What I'm realizing, is that I need to come up with a list of inspiring and thought provoking phrases to say constantly while on my death bed. I don't want to let my guard down for a second and have my last words accidentally be an unintelligent poop joke (though if we're honest, this is most likely). What I think will probably happen, is that due to my sarcasm, people will struggle to figure out whether or not I'm actually dying. 

"Kayla are you dying?"

"Yeah... I'm dying." (said with involuntary eye roll as I struggle to control my body movements)

"Wait... so... you are dying?"

"Yeah, I'm toooootally dying." 

"I'm sorry, I'm really not sure if you are dying or not...."
"I never loved you......." (yule logs)

"I think she's gone. And she never loved me."

If nothing else, I hope that in death, I'm still making 'em laugh like Bill Murray. 

                          

If ever my blog title was true, it was today.

Almost every time I update my blog I think back to little ol' freshman me and think, "Kayla you idiot, what a stupid blog title, Weird Family, Weird Life? How dumb." But then, days like today come along and I'm like, "oh yeah."

So this post will be kind of long because I am going to struggle to condense the insanity of what went down in the Carpenter house this afternoon.

A week ago, my parents and I were sitting at dinner and we began discussing where we should go on vacation this summer. We couldn't decide so we left it to the family. I sent out an email prompting each member, (Tyler and Aaron included) to create a presentation on a destination they wished to visit. In the end we would all vote and the winning presentation would be the future vacation destination

The only rule was that it could not be in the form of interpretive dance, sign language, any language besides English, Morse code, or charades.

Today the family convened to present their ideas and the following ensued:

Presentation 1: Kelsey-Tahoe
Kelsey: I didn't really prepare that much and when I saved my PowerPoint it didn't convert the transitions or cool fonts so it won't be very good

She then proceeded to present on Tahoe, a presentation so funny that we were crying from laughing so hard. It consisted of our faces photoshopped onto scantily clad ladies in Reno and high rollers "making it rain". It was amazing.

Presentation 2: Erin-Seattle
Erin decided to present hers on a science fair tri-fold poster board.

As you can see.... amazing. There were flaps you could lift, books you could open.... it was better than the science fair.

Presentation 3: Tyler- Boston
Tyler began his presentation by making an entrance from upstairs dressed like this, carrying a lantern.....

In case you can't tell, he's Paul Revere (yes we know Paul Revere was  brunette but cut him some slack... that cotton ball hat/wig is the bomb diggity), inviting the family to join him in Boston. His opening line: "You may be wondering, 'Have I stepped back in time?'" We were all laughing so hard that it was incredible he was able to stay in character.

Presentation 4: Kayla/ Aaron- San Juan Islands and Disney World
We did two presentations since there were two of us, but we presented them together.
The first was on the San Juan Islands.... So Aaron came in like this....

The family almost mistook him for a native islander. The Vans were a dead giveaway... and the fact that he didn't take the time to actually learn a song on the ukulele... lazy. Instead he plucked dissonant notes that set me on edge so I may have accidentally yelled at him during the presentation... putting everybody else on edge. Looking back, I shouldn't have rebuked a guy willing to look like this for me.

Then there was the Disney World/ Harry Potter world presentation... which we both knew wouldn't win, but we thought it was worth a shot.. So here's me Mickey Mouse.

I didn't have yellow shoes but conveniently enough I DID have my yellow rain boots at home with me. Half way through the presentation Tyler looked at me and said, "Are you supposed to be Mickey?"

RUDE.

Presentation 5: Mom and Dad- Yosemite 
My dad spent like 10 hours on Saturday making his presentation, which in the end was actually really good. It was a photo montage of Yosemite to the theme of Magnificent Seven. The pictures were beautiful, especially the ones inserted that flashed quickly and acted as subliminal messages, which I'm pretty sure were aimed at me to swing my vote. They were candy bars. Due to confidentiality, I cannot tell you whether or not my Dad's tactic worked.... but I'm beginning to think he raised me to be addicted to sweets just so that when this day came, he could use it against me. Sorry no pics of this presentation as there were no costumes involved.

And in case you were wondering, we combined the Seattle and San Juan Islands trips and they took the cake in the end. We laughed A LOT today.

And then Erin and Tyler demonstrated their ability to sound exactly like bag pipes. They "played" Scotland the Brave. I've mixed their version with the actual version to show you how good they really are. You probably won't be able to tell the difference.

They want to, in the future, use this ability to play at funerals so they discussed their need to learn Amazing Grace. Then an hour later, they sent this video to me while driving, in what I can only assume was, a funeral procession.

And this is why my blog title, however lame it may be, is so spot on that I can't possibly change it.

I could have been a millionaire but instead I'm stuck blogging for 15 people because my sister and/or Todd Neece swindled me

Once upon a time a few years ago my sister Erin, her husband Tyler, Aaron and I went to a breakfast and the following situation ensued:

Tyler comes close to finishing his pancakes. Everybody else finished their food an hour ago but Tyler eats at the pace of an 80 year old woman. He had just a few bites left and he laid his fork down in defeat. 


Me: 

Tyler's eyes widen. He begins to bob his head and picks up the fork. Suddenly it seems that the fullness has subsided and he attacks the pancakes with his new found hunger. The others at the table join in taking harmonizing parts. 


Me: This is a GREAT idea for a video.

Tyler and others: Yeah!

Then we never made a video but we thought about its grandness and shared such grandness with our friends and family, specifically a young boy by the name of Todd Neece, who agreed with the grandness.

FAST FORWARD FOUR YEARS (or so... I don't remember exactly... note to self, figure this out for when this is made into a movie based on a true story)

My thoughts : I'm just going to watch the Superbowl commercials, this will be great... and in between commercials I can watch the Puppy Bowl! Perfect... all while I do homework... oh frabjous day!

And THEN.... this commercial played 

My brain: WHAT?!....... wait........ WHAT?!........no.......wait.............. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

I immediately called Erin


Erin: Hello?

Me: Did you steal my intellectual property, sell it to Hyundai, and make millions of dollars?

Erin: I'm sorry.... what?

Me: DID YOU STEAL MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, SELL IT TO HYUNDAI, AND MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?!

Erin: I don't think so....

I then explained the situation to Erin and she agreed that it was strange in fact but that "neither she nor Tyler sold this idea to Hyundai".... as if I could believe that.

I then found my self in a conversation with Todd Neece and he said he remembered my video idea and thought of it immediately when he saw the commercial. Now some might think "oh, he brought it up in such a way that he couldn't possible be guilty."  Reverse psychology my friends. And all those tweets he's had recently about "filling out job applications"... a hoax. I imagine he spends his evenings diving into mounds of gold coins like Uncle Scrooge McDuck.

I hope this happens instead:

The end.